The Curious Case of the Monthly's
by E.M.Bryant97
Summary: It's that wonderful time of the month again, and the men of Storybrooke Maine find themselves in quite a mess as they attempt to rationalize with Emma, Belle, and Regina.


**So let us explain the little story behind this. First off, I wrote this with the help of my cousin a couple weeks ago. We were in Canada a couple weeks ago when we both experienced the thing all us girls do at some point during the month. With our extreme hormonal inbalance and obsession with Once Upon a Time, this story was born. Be this a tribute to all us females out there- the women of Once Upon a Time feel our pain :) And to all the guys who are reading this, sometime in the future, you're gonna have to deal with this problem with your girlfriend, or your wife, or whatever. This is a fic for everyone. So without further adue, I present The Curious Case of the Monthly's :)**

* * *

**Graham's POV**

"Donut?"

The day was a sunny, happy Storybrooke day. Graham, as usual, had gotten doughnuts and coffee for the police office workers, namely Emma and himself.

Emma turned away from looking out the window, and gave him a look that could burn through dragon skin. Graham felt it sear through his brain.

"Do I look like I want an effing doughnut?" the blonde asked in a low voice. "What are you, trying to get me effing fat?"

Graham backtracked. He was aware how sensitive women were about their weight, (Regina was downright nasty about it) maybe he had triggered a sensitive subject.

"Emma, I'm not- I wasn't saying you're fat, I was just offering-"

"Oh, so you're just not saying it now, is it? The huge 'elephant in the room,' Emma's fat?"

"No! Emma, you're not fat! Do you want a doughnut? Just, here, it's low fat, low sugar, yeah. " Graham put a random doughnut on the table, lying through his teeth about the content, and nearly ran to his desk.

Emma must've had a late night, he supposed.

The tension was high for the next hour. Graham tiptoed around Emma, afraid to start up another verbal battle with her. (He would probably lose anyway.) They worked at the station in silence, the huntsman awkwardly taking his nervousness out on about five different flavors of cream filled donuts.

Then, the phone at the station rang, and Emma glowered, answering it immediately.

"What do you want?" She snapped into the phone, causing Graham's concern for the woman to grow.

"Well it's not my problem if your dog is up a tree, now is it Archie?"

And with that, Emma Swan jammed the phone down with surprising strength. Graham knew he would be regretting doing this, but he had no choice.

"Emma... Why are you acting so strange today? Is there anything I should know about?"

She didn't make eye contact with him. Instead, she kept her eyes on a fluttering bird outside the closest window, eyeing it like it was prey.

"I'm acting completely normal! It's you who's acting all pushy, just shut up," she grumbled, suddenly getting up and walking for the door.

"Where are you going? Your shift isn't over with!"

"Outside! Can't a girl go outside without being questioned?!" Emma barked back at him before swinging open the door and marching through.

Graham sighed, resting back on his chair and racking his mind for possibilities to why Emma was acting that way. After a few seconds of intense pondering, he finally decided he should go to an expert on female behavior for advice- Prince Charming.

* * *

**Hooks POV**

Storybrooke's infamous Captain Hook was taking a nice, peaceful stroll down the side of the street when he bumped into Emma.

Emma Swan was a very interesting source of entertainment. Hook loved to tease the blonde, but half of the time he did it to cover up some gnawing feelings (that he would swear to anyone who asked were nonexistent). Emma was just... strange. He didn't feel the same about her like he did with other women.

Pulling back to the present and away from Emma-thoughts, he realized she was walking in the opposite direction, but wasn't paying the slightest attention to where she was going. Hook was again lost in thought as to which brand of shampoo he should use for his hair (there was so many to choose from in this strange land,) when the two of them collided head on, almost sending Emma backwards onto the sidewalk.

"Woah, Emma... Sorry, didn't see you there!" Hook said with surprise. His smile began fading when he saw her face.

"You can't bother to look where you're going?!" She demanded coldly, taking a step back.

Hook was so astonished, he was at a loss of words. "I'm sorry, it was a simple mistake-"

"Simple mistake? You almost plowed me down!"

"Well you could've been looking where you were going too, Emma," Hook shot back at her, trying to keep his cool. He had never seen her act this way before.

Emma pointed a finger towards her, raising an eyebrow at him. "Me? Me?! Why is everything my fault?"

"I... Don't know...?"

She let out a groan and spun around, walking away briskly, leaving the severely confused pirate alone on the sidewalk. He didn't know what to think about what just happened. He had been with so many women in the past, yet he still had no idea how they could act like complete shrews at the most random of times. He himself didn't understand a huge part of the female mind, but the captain knew a man that probably did.

* * *

**Belle's POV**

Belle woke up feeling absolutely horrible. Her head pounded slightly, her body was sore... But above those things, her stomach coiled itself into tight knots, forming awful cramps.

Getting out of bed slowly and carefully, she made her way to the bathroom where she immediately began searching through drawers and cupboards. As soon as she exited, Belle heard the doorbell ring. She groaned, wanting more than anything just to crawl back into bed with a good book and be antisocial for the rest of the day. After making her way towards the front of her house, she opened the door to reveal Mr. Gold holding a single rose in his hand, smiling at her like the day was going to be the best one ever.

"I thought I would stop by so we could have breakfast together." He said kindly, holding the rose out towards her so she could take it. A wide smile grew on her face as she took the flower from him.

"Oh Rumple that would just be amazing! You're so sweet and considerate!" Belle beamed, taking his hand and leading him into the house. Gold took this course of action to a surprise, but wasn't about to question it.

"Thanks..." He replied as Belle kept on leading him towards the nearest dining room chair. "I'm glad to see you're in a good mood."

She sat him down and found a chair opposite his, still smiling as she did so. Rumple waved his hand and a full breakfast feast appeared before them in a wisp of purple smoke.

Belle eyed the feast while Mr. Gold dug right in. "Is that... Sausage?" She asked him, seeing the six pieces that made it to his plate.

"Yeah... You want some?"

"No, gross, absolutely not!" Belle's voice rose, her cheery personality thrown out the window.

He looked towards her strangely. "Why not, I thought you liked sausage Belle."

Her look now turned to an offensive one. Rumple knew he was in for it.

"I hate sausage! I hate it I hate it I hate it! Almost as much as I hate iced tea and hamburgers!" She balled her hands into fists and pounded them on the table. "What are you trying to do, poison me? How could you? I thought you loved me!"

"Belle!" Rumplestiltskin exclaimed, not knowing how much more of this he could take. "Why are you acting like this?"

Her face has turned to despair as he spoke. Tears began forming at her blue eyes. Belle got up and held her face in her hands, sobbing like she just found out her cat had died.

"Belle... What did I do?" Rumple tired one last time, with no improvement in her state.

She sobbed and sobbed, he didn't know what to do about it. Gold looked around frantically for a solution, finally spotting his cell phone just a mere few feet away. He quickly dashed for it, finding David Nolan's number (under his contacts his name was Annoying Prince) and pressing call.

* * *

**Regina's POV**

It was that lovely time of the month again. The time of month where Regina Mills wished she could be just about any other species on earth than a female. She had woken up twenty minutes late and ached everywhere- it was like a truck plowed her over a thousand times in her sleep. Instead of showering, Regina simply shrugged on a bathrobe and made her way down her seemingly long flight of stairs. She felt as though she had no energy, it was as if she still were asleep in her deluxe sleep number bed.

As she entered the kitchen, she found her son sitting patiently at the table with his arms folded, wearing an extremely confused look as he eyed his mom.

"Are you feeling okay mom?"

She had to blink a few times to try at rid the haziness from her vision.

"Yeah, I'm just a tad bit tired today, that's all." After she finished her sentence, a yawn stretched across her mouth.

Henry tilted his head to the side questionably. "Are you sure? Because, uh... You're wearing my bathrobe,"

Regina squinted her eyes into a glare towards him. "Don't judge me- its comfortable."

They both stared each other down for a few uncomfortable seconds before the ten year old finally ended it. "Well I need some breakfast..."

"Oh right. Food. I can do that." Regina mumbled, dragging her feet over to the kitchen stove.

Henry watched his mom in growing worry as she set a pan on the stove and dumped an entire box of ramen noodles in the boiling water.

Five minutes later, he was presented a bowl of soup and a blue plastic spoon. Henry was now beginning to get really worried. His mom never failed to make the most delicious breakfasts ever. She also never once got up later than seven. Either Brad Paisley was coming to Storybrooke, or his theory of aliens coming to earth was true.

"Mom... The noodles aren't cooked..."

He stabbed them a few times with his spoon to confirm it.

"Eat it anyways!" Regina ordered him with a stern voice, causing her son to jump a bit in his seat. "I made this for you because I love you! Because I love you Henry!"

"Okay okay, I'm eating it!" He said defensively, beginning to shovel the hard noodles on his spoon and stuffing them into his mouth, crunching them between his teeth.

He finished under her preying eyes and grabbed his backpack. Before he could flee the kitchen, Regina pulled him into a suffocating hug, his hands blindly grabbing the air around him.

"Have a great day at school!"

Henry wrenched her arms off from around him and backed away slowly, black dots dotting his vision. He did this until she was completely out of sight. Then the boy broke out into a run out the door, not towards the school, but towards the small apartment he knew all too well.

* * *

Charming woke up with a start as he heard a few bangs on his front door. He groaned, not wanting to get up. His wife was currently sitting at the table eating ice cream with a big spoon like she did every third week of the month.

"Get the door Charming!" Mary Margret ordered through a mouthful of rocky road ice cream, pointing a sticky hand towards the door.

"Yes dear." David rose from the bed immediately, wondering who in the world it could be. He opened the wooden door to reveal a heard of guys with desperation marked on their faces.

"Umm... Anything I can help you with?"

"Dude. All the chicks in this bloody town are insane." Graham said, wide eyed and clammy looking. "Emma yelled at me for giving her a donut!"

"And she almost murdered me for bumping into her!" Hook added.

"Belle won't stop crying!"

"My mom made me eat a nasty bowl of soup! Do you know how much it hurts to throw up raw noodles?!"

Immediately, Charming's hands rose up to silence the crowd. "Why don't you boys come inside... I'll teach you about the female species,"

As they all entered the house, it was as if Mary Margret didn't even know they were there. She continued plowing through her ice cream like it was a field of wheat. They all took a seat on the couch. David faced them with an extremely graven face.

"Alright. So girls are... Different from us..." He started, the group in front of him looking at him with innocent, wide eyes as he spoke.

"Yeah, girls have boobies." Henry stated simply.

David nodded. "Yes my boy, they do." He kept serious tone of voice, even though he wanted to roll on the floor laughing.

"Once a month, women experience a... Well their hormones go kinda crazy."

"We know that," Hook retorted, "but why?"

The prince took a deep breath. "They, uh- they eat crisps in the loo."

"Huh?"

"They have ketchup on their steak."

"What does that mean?"

"Oh for crying out loud!" David couldn't take it anymore. "They're on their periods! They have blood pouring out of them! They have to stick stuff inside of them for a whole entire week! They're uterus's cleans itself out and a tiny little egg is formed in there and has the possibility to turn into a baby if-"

He stopped himself before things got really awkward. Sweeping his eyes across the line of guys, he noticed that every one of them had horrified expressions on their face. It seemed as though their dreams were just crushed before their eyes. Henry looked the worst. His face was a chalky white color and there was a thin layer of cold sweat on his brow. David wondered if the boy would ever talk to his mother again.

Silence still blanketed the room. The only sound was the faint smacking of Snow's lips as she contributed to maul the tub of ice cream.

"I am never having sex again." Rumple mumbled to himself, thinking how his relationship with Belle would be now that he knew this information.

"Look, guys, I know it's a lot to take in. But that's just life. Mary Margret and I are fine, we have been fine for years. You just have to accept it for what it is."

Graham looked at the man quizzically. "So how do you deal with her when she's on hers?"

David let out a smile. "I let her eat whatever she wants to eat, and she's happy," they all turned to face her; she still didn't seem to have any recollection of them all being in her house.

"Honey, I want some tacos and I want them now!"

"Just a minute Snow, I'm busy right now." David said calmly before turning back to the guys.

"Emma's angry with everything and everyone!"

"My mom acts like a living zombie!"

"Belle gets offended by everything I do!"

"I know it's hard, but you just have to deal with it guys. It's only for a week."

"I don't think we'll survive." Henry sighed.

Then, Rumple's eyes widened as he had a sudden realization. "What if there were a way to keep all the girls... Under control for the rest of the week?"

Everyone turned to him. "What do you mean?"

"I have a spell I could use that could put them to sleep so we don't have to deal with their wrath!"

"Oh no, magic is not the answer here Gold!" charming objected, despite everyone's excited and approving faces.

"You want me to bring your daughter over so she can scream at you?" Hook asked him, still slightly afraid of the woman.

He sighed. "Okay... Fine... Do your magic," he said reluctantly, watching Rumple's face turn delighted as he let out a surprisingly girlish giggle as he did so.

With an outstretched hand, purple smoke filled their vision as the spell enacted. Seconds later, every female in Storybrooke fell on the ground in a deep sleep. With a clang, Mary Margret fell face first into her newly filled bowl of rocky road.

"There. Problem solved!"

Everyone cheered. They were free.

"Anyone up for burritos and donuts?" Graham offered, a smile on his face. He was answered by a unified cheer from everyone.

"I'd love to fellas, but I think I'll go have me some tacos," David stole a sideways glance towards his sleeping wife.

Thus ended the curious case of the monthly's.

* * *

**See, they feel our pain :) My cousin Merili wrote Graham and Hook's scenes while I took the rest. So if you're planning to review (which you should, we wored tirelessly on this!) I would suggest making it out to me becasue I wrote most of it :) Merili got lazy. **

**Maybe we'll be back sometime with another one-shot. Who knows. If you want more of our stories, please check out our story Undead Sneeze on FictionPress, under the name ZoeGray. You guys should check out Merili's stories too...well she doesn't have any cool stories, but you guys should PM her or something. She gets lonley. ;) Her account is thetruthaboutsilver. **

**Thanks for reading! **


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